New "Euroenglish" Standard
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in
favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and 'ch' kan be replaced
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replased by the 'f. This will make words like 'fotograf
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reac the stage when more komplikated canges are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, whic have always ben a dcterent
to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's
in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the fourth yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps suc as replasing 'th'
with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yar, ze unnesesary 'o' kan be
dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar canges vud of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters.
Aftr zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ec ozer.
ZE DREM VEL FINALI KUM TRU!!