Euro English
Black Country Stories
Caelum Animalis
The Can Opener
Chewing Gum
Chorister's Alphabet
David and Goliath
Euro English
Feline Sedentation
Happy Marriage
Hell's Bells
The Gardener
The Icon
A Plan for the Church
St Ichabod's



New "Euroenglish" Standard

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and 'ch' kan be replaced by c.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased by the 'f. This will make words like 'fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reac the stage when more komplikated canges are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, whic have always ben a dcterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the fourth yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps suc as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yar, ze unnesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar canges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Aftr zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ec ozer.