The Can Opener
Black Country Stories
Caelum Animalis
The Can Opener
Chewing Gum
Chorister's Alphabet
David and Goliath
Euro English
Feline Sedentation
Happy Marriage
Hell's Bells
The Gardener
The Icon
A Plan for the Church
St Ichabod's


Dear Sirs,

I am apparently in need of your advice.

Yesterday I bought a small can of your ‘Chopped Pork and Ham’, wherewith to make sandwiches. On the can was a label on which I read , “Opening Instructions - Open can with a can opener.”

Faced with this revolutionary new technique which had never occurred to me before, I wonder if I should now dispose of the hammer and chisel, crowbar and stock of Semtex which have served me so well over so many years.

May I suggest, however, that future labelling should advise people to open the can and extract its contents before trying to eat the same. Otherwise you might be required to pay hefty compensation for damaged teeth!

Yours sincerely, (well - sort of !)

© The Estate of William John Green, 2006