From: THE BOOK OF COLINIUS CHAPTER 56. BEGINNING AT VERSE 43:
|Members of at John's Parish Church, Pewsey, whose Rector is Colin
Fox, decided to recycle' Christrmas cards for re-sale at the Bouverie Hall,
Pewsey at a pre-Christmas Bazaar. It is perhaps unfortunate that one had to
be careful where one signed these cards as the legend 're-cycled in aid
of St. John's Pewsey', appearing immediately below the signature, could
lead to misunderstanding, although true in the case of John and Mavis
We eventually received one of such cards from Colin &
Family, a copy of which is enclosed, with a request for interpretation of
the meaning of the three dogs.
It is perhaps fortunate that the card was recognised as the missing
icon to which a fragment of ancient literature refers.
At the Carol service at Pewsey there is a tradition that the lighting
consist of innumerable wax candles. The origins of this tradition are now
43. And in the twelfth month of the forty-third year of Elizabeth the Queen,
when Colinius was High Priest of the the Puseyites which be a rebellious tribe
dwelling in the Valley of Avon the great river, 44. The Lord spake unto Colinius
the High Priest in a dream, saying, 45. "Go and search diligently amongst the
books and the writings which are in the great hall which is in the city of
Bouverey and thou shalt find what thou shall find among the recycled."
46. Colinius the High Priest pondered on the wisdom of the Lord, and
perceiving that the will of the Lord could be obeyed without inconvenience, left
all that he had; his wife, his children, his ox and his ass, his manservant and
his maidservant, his dog, cat and dicky-bird, 47. the spiders, wood-lice and
earwigs which dwelt in his chariot-house, and in due time arrived at the great
hall in the city of Bouverey which lies above the great river.
48. There he found the books and the writings which had been exposed for sale
in aid of the treasury of the temple.
49. Then the Lord called unto Colinius the High Priest again a second time
50. "Go up to the stall whereon is the icon of the eighteen and a half stars,
the three dogs, the three angels and the four weird beasts which thou shall find
offered for sale with the recycled and buy it with money and thou shalt learn
many things of wisdom.
51. "And when thou hast purchased the icon of the eighteen and a half stars,
the three dogs, the three angels and the four weird beasts, thou shalt bring it
privily to thy house and await further instructions."
52. And Colinius did what the Lord had commanded; everything which the Lord
had commanded him to do, that he did.
53. Then Colinius considered what the meaning of this vision should be. 54.
And behold, he took the the icon of the eighteen and a half stars, the three
dogs, the three angels and the four weird beasts which he had bought and took
them to his house which lay beside the temple of the Lord as the Lord had
commanded, and pondered deeply.
55. Being much troubled in mind. Colinius said to himself, 'What is the
meaning of this message from the Lord which has been vouchsafed to me, and
wherewithal shall my mind be relieved from pondering upon the deep mystery
wherewith the Lord hath afflicted my soul ?
56. Then the Lord spake unto Colinius a third time and said,
"Take the the icon of the eighteen and a half stars, the three dogs. the
three angels and the four weird beasts which thou hast purchased with money at
the great hall of Bouverey which lies above the great river, and send it to the
prophet Johannis who dwells in the wilderness of Upavon beyond Woodbridge on the
great river, 57. and with it send a
message saying, What meaneth the the icon of the eighteen and a half stars, the
three dogs, the three angels and the four weird beasts which the Lord hath
commanded me to purchase with money in the great hall of Bouverey which lies
above the river ? 58. For I am the Lord's servant and would do whatever it is
his will to command provided it does not cause me inconvenience and that I know
what the ****** **** it's all about. (****** **** meaning
59. And behold, Colinus did so, being obedient unto the word of the Lord.
60. And so in due time the the icon of the eighteen and a half stars, the
three dogs, the three angels and the four weird beasts was received into the
hand of Johannis the Prophet who dwelt in the wilderness of Upavon beyond
61. and the Lord guided the mind of Johannis the Prophet that he might
interpret the meaning of the icon of the eighteen and a half stars, the three
dogs, the three angels and the four weird beasts which Colinius the High Priest
had purchased with money in the great hall of Bouverey which lies above the
62. And Johannis the Prophet who dwelt... (I' m not going
through all that again! Baruch the Redactor.)
63. And Johannis the Prophet (etc. etc.) sent messengers unto Colinius the
High Priest, saying, 64. "I am thy servant, 0 Colinius, and the Lord hath
directed thy course and by thy hand hath sent unto me the icon of the eighteen
and a half stars, the three dogs, the three angels and the four weird beasts
which thou hast purchased, being directed in so doing by the hand of the Lord.
65. "The interpretation of the vision which the Lord hath vouchsafed unto
thee by way of the icon of the eighteen and a half stars, the three dogs, the
three angels and the four weird beasts is that thou shalt be afflicted with
eighteen persons and half a person who shall call themselves the Parochial
Church Council, 66. they being eighteen in number with one who is only there for
half a time. 67. These are signified by the eighteen and a half stars which thou
mayest observe, most eminent High Priest, and the temperaments of those who sit
upon the Council are signified by the three dogs.
68. The first dog hath a wise and sagacious mien signifying unto thee those
who, with thee in wisdom, shall cause things to happen and to prosper.
69. The second dog hath a vicious and angry mouth, and from the appearance of
his front legs hath come to a grinding halt and hath dug in his heels. 70. This
dog signifieth unto thee those of thy council who shall obstruct anything which
thou proposest be it good or evil.
71.The third dog hath a vacant and far-away expression which signifieth unto
thee those of thy council whose thickness may verily be compared unto two planks
hewn from the cedars of Libanus which is in the Land of Ham, and who sleep
through meetings. 72. Nevertheless, O Colinius, such may be made a boon unto
thee as their votes can be manipulated in thy favour by prior calling upon them
and partaking of their cakes and ale."
73. And the prophet Johannis who dwelt in the wilderness of Upavon continued his interpretation by writing,
74. "Thou seest, O Colinius, that each of the three dogs, the sagacious dog.
the vicious dog and the apathetic dog are all led by angels, each is led by his
own angel. Each dog is led on a very slack rein so that guidance is gentle but
ultimately inevitable. The first angel leads her dog with a confident
expression, being sure of the leadership of the wise.
75. The second angel is inattentive to her charge, being more interested in
tickling the foot of her leader. This accounts for the vicious appearance of the
second dog who is getting thoroughly brassed-off with being messed about.
(Moral never trust angels who wear pigtails!)
76. The third angel has a motherly, or patronising gaze wherewith she looketh
upon the third dog, such as can be seen upon the face of a doting aunt, being
full of years, when a four-year-old fails to understand the difficulties caused
when it vomiteth in the temple.
77. "Thus, your eminence, by the sign of the three dogs and their angels,
each being led by his own angel, shall thou understand more fully the nature of
those who make up thy Council, and, as the Lord hath revealed unto thee, all are
heading in the same direction but with varying degrees of enthusiasm and with
mixed accord, each according to his temperament.
78. Thus saith the Lord."
79. And lo, having thus, as he supposed, delivered the prophecy and the
interpretation thereof as vouchsafed unto him by the Lord unto Colinius the High
Priest, Johannis the Prophet, who dwelt in the wilderness of Upavon beyond the
Woodbridge, sat back and took his ease.
80. But the Lord said unto him,
8l. "UP! Thou hast not completed thy task and until thou do, peace shall not
be granted unto thee, neither shalt thou lay thee down and sleep. What of the
weird beasts which Colinius the High Priest hath shewn unto thee in the sacred
icon purchased with money at the great hall of Bouverey which lies above the
river? 82. Shalt thou not interpret to him as I command thee this day that thou
shalt do ? Take up thy pen again and write as I shall command thee!"
83. So Johannis the prophet took up his pen and wrote concerning the weird
beasts which were contained in the icon which.. (Yes! Yes! we
know which! - Redactor.)
84. "P.S. *" He wrote, "The former treatise I wrote unto thee, most
god-fearing Colinius was lacking in its ending which has now been revealed unto
me by the Lord.
85. The weird beasts which thou hast observed in the snow which forms the
background to the icon of the dogs which (Not again! R. ).......
are not as thou hast supposed, the timid and woolly sheep which thou hast come
to associate with the legends of lowly cattle sheds in Judean hills, but are in
very truth those weird and ferocious beasts from the snow-bound hills of the
Himalaya which in ancient times were named 'Yak' by our forefathers. 86.Truly I
say unto thee, these are the signs of the sufferings with which thou shall be
afflicted in thy council chambers by a super-abundance of Yak which thou must
verily endure for a time, two times and half a time until the day of release
shall come, but he that endureth until the end shall be saved."
87. When Colinius heard this he rejoiced greatly and going forth from his
chambers offered a burnt offering unto the Lord, an advent sacrifice of paraffin
wax which was burnt before the Lord in great quantity, the like of which had not
been known before in the land of the Puseyites which be a rebellious tribe which
dwelleth beneath the downs of Marl, and which is renowned unto this day.
(* The exact meaning of this acronym has been lost. Certain scholars maintain
that it means 'Please Sir', a form of address suitable for a continuation.
Others hold that its meaning is 'please shut- up', in which case it is now
© The Estate of William John Green, 2004