'Alf Term
'Alf Term
All Saints?
Ambiguous Intransitive
Fishy Hereafter
Here and There
Lament of the Old Choristers
Lemon Baptism
Ode to Wetwang
The Ostrich


The following is dedicated to certain of the clergy who regard the academic calendar as having priority over the ecclesiastical one -(holidays before holy days). It should be recited with a Norah Batty accent - in the style of 'Albert and the Lion.'


The vicars were gathered in Chapter,
Arrangin' the programme to come.
'We can't have a meetin' in June, lads,
"It's not that convenient for some."
The Rural Dean put on his glasses
That 'ung, on a cord, round 'is neck,
"So we 'ave two in May to make up then?"
But they all said, 'We won't then - by 'eck!"
"So what about April the thirteenth?
(This argument's makin' me squirm.)"
Then up spoke the lad in the back row,
"Ye can't -'cos it's kiddies' 'alf term!"

Doctor were puttin' 'is feet up
After 'avin' a long 'ard day's work,
When telephone rang in the study -
(It brought 'im right up with a jerk.)
It were old Mrs. Jones from t'village,
And 'e 'eard 'er excitedly say,
"It's me 'usband I'm ringin' for, Doctor,
"If ye don't come, 'e'll pass right away!"
But Doctor replied very sternly
In a voice that were solemn and firm,
"You must keep him alive 'till next Monday -
"Don't you know it's the kiddies' 'alf term?"

Gabriel stood wi' 'is trumpet
Preparing to play the Last Post -
With thousands of glitterin' angels
And (most of ) the 'eavenly 'ost.
He pursed up 'is lips with a grimace
'Cos this was the end of it all,
The dread Day of Judgement 'ad started,
And they were all there for Roll Call.
But before 'e could start obbligato,
A Vicar ran up to affirm,
"You can't play your trumpet today, Gab,
Don't you know it's the kiddies' 'alf term ?"

WJG. 11.94.

The Estate of William John Green, 2004